The Words shared by My Parent Which Rescued Us during my time as a First-Time Dad

"I think I was merely in survival mode for a year."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of being a father.

But the reality soon proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Serious health complications around the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver while also looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I handled every night time, each diaper… every walk. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he burnt out. It was a talk with his own dad, on a public seat, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You aren't in a good spot. You need some help. In what way can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and start recovering.

His situation is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although society is now better used to talking about the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges dads face.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his struggles are symptomatic of a wider reluctance to communicate among men, who often hold onto negative notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets hit and doesn't fall every time."

"It's not a display of failure to ask for help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men can be reluctant to accept they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably ahead of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the space to take a respite - taking a short trip overseas, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotions in addition to the day-to-day duties of taking care of a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son better understand the expression of feelings and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound trauma resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says suppressing emotions led him to make "bad decisions" when younger to modify how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You gravitate to substances that aren't helpful," he explains. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Tips for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, tell a trusted person, your partner or a professional what you're going through. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like yourself before the baby arrived. It could be playing sport, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is doing.
• Spend time with other new dads - sharing their journeys, the messy ones, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help is not failure - prioritising yourself is the best way you can care for your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the passing, having not spoken to him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead offer the stability and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to manage themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, on occasion I believe my job is to teach and advise you on life, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am understanding as much as you are through this experience."